friendship

“i have a very fulfilling social life, I am around those I love all of the time, whether that is friends or family”

i said this recently in another writing i did, Ive also said this many times in the past.

if im being really honest though, ive only really had this one time very briefly for like a year. this stemmed from meeting one mutual friend who introduced me to other people

i think most likely this will be something similar - I need to find one person who will help me meet others.

i also think that I should be very self conscious about who I want to hang out with, i can be any kind of person i want to be

i shouldn't try to abandon the things that make me who i am, I also should try new things - and when someone asks me to hang out I should not say no

doing new things though - what do those look like?

church: this is one, although i think i need to find a actual group for it

running: there are running groups, this is a good idea

work: i think this is a decent bet at some point, will take time though, there is also a fine line balance in this

as time goes on there will be other things

i also think that I should be around people who will make me better as a person - i should not be around people just to be around people - especially if they do not value the relationship as much as i do, i will just end up feeling like shit

I have felt lonely before, that is why i spent (and still spend) so much time on my work, because there isn't much to do. this isn't healthy long term. i do think there is appropriate time for this but now isn't really

moreover, what are the things that I really want to be able to say in 5 years, being brutally honest. Im not really sure I care as much about career success, I know at this point that will probably happen provided i put in the work. i care more about having 5 fulfilling relationships, people who i can call randomly on a monday morning and talk to after 2 months of inactivity. most of all i think what I really want is true meaning in my relationships - not just people to fill the time with. my best friends fill that positive energy for me. THAT is really the thing I want, i dont want to not be myself to have people like me (which tbh is just insecurity)

i want true meaning in my life, and work/code has fulfilled that purpose, but it shouldn't just be that.