finding my role

the past 24 years of my life have all been about proving myself, well, not 24, more like 14,

i always wanted to be the best, I always wanted validation i needed it actually - i needed to prove to myself that yes I can indeed do it - i was in a home that lacked that validation so i went out and got it myself

if we are really being honest, it was 6 years of validation seeking (14-20), 2 years of personal friendship growth (20-22), then 2 years of validation seeking.

those 2 years I made the most good friends ever. period. not even close. the relationships from that time frame are not transactional, there's no favor asking, every time i meet up with them its always just catching up. sure, i have grown as a person (and so have they) but i think that its possible to get some sense of this with time.

right now i think this is on hard mode. I do not know anyone, i do not have any outlet other than work, I am starting from 0 (both financially and emotionally). i am also living in a city where I do need to get a car at some point. overall though its a new challenge, and I think it also involves 4 things

1.) a mindset shift -> going from "im not providing enough value" to "am i providing enough value"

2.) accepting that things will not magically happen -> similar to quitting my job, I can start working on this today, I just need to start somewhere

3.) when I get the urge to switch things up, get used to it -> fwiw, I actually think getting used to this will help me during the tough times of my company building

4.) being the role player is underrated, but valued -> in the past I got all of the credit, I also got all of the responsibility. the role player is someone who will ensure that the stars can get their work done and fix whatever they mess up on (or spot check them)